Crafted from fine cotton yarn, the black cardigan sweater became a staple in my spring wardrobe after my mother bought it for me 10 years ago. Rediscovering it in the back of my closet last week, I suddenly recalled a happier memory of Mom—a time when I wasn’t overwhelmed by what social workers describe as “caregiver burnout.” And then came an unexpected flood of tears.

It’s not like me to fall apart over a sweater while I’m reorganizing my closet for a new season. But then again, my mother hasn’t been herself for several seasons, either. Things began to unravel after my son left for college—just when my husband and I were starting to enjoy the freedom of our newly emptied nest.

First, we noticed Mom was showing up at family gatherings with burns and bruises she couldn’t explain. Then her friends would call to report that she’d forgotten to show up for club meetings and lunch dates. She’d drive herself to the ER during her panic attacks, which started occurring with alarming frequency. Not long afterward, her doctors told me to confiscate her car keys. Mom was 79 and had been widowed for 16 years when she was officially diagnosed with vascular dementia. She was also battling heart disease and severe hearing loss. As her only child, I was handed full responsibility of her medical care along with a checklist outlining her worrisome diagnosis.

At the time, Mom lived alone in a condo near my house. She refused to consider any type of senior housing, regardless of the fact that she’d been in and out of the hospital half a dozen times, and averaged 45 medical visits annually. But no matter how tactfully I approached the topic of assisted living—and offered to schedule tours of the best facilities—she’d look at me […]

I’ve been a caregiver for my husband since about 2001 when he began having angina. My caregiving responsibilities have progressively increased and his health has progressively declined since he had triple heart bypass surgery in 2003. After the surgery, he had atrial fibrillation, which stayed. In addition to heart problems, he developed COPD from years of smoking. These are the biggies, but through the years there have been numerous diagnoses added from arthritis to gout and several hospital stays. He’s had several strokes as well.

Our marriage was one of those May-December marriages. My husband is 38 years older than I am. We’ve been married for 22 years and have one daughter together. Our daughter is now grown, but she was only eight years old when he had heart surgery. Trying to raise her and preserve some semblance of normalcy amidst a multitude of healthcare crises through the years was challenging. In her teen years, she helped with many caregiving responsibilities as we had limited outside support from friends or family.

Besides being a spouse and mother, I’m a nurse, so caregiving responsibilities have always naturally fallen to me in the family. I’ve mainly always worked in nursing less than part time, so I could be a family caregiver. In addition to being the primary caregiver for my spouse, I’ve done long distance caregiving for my mother and grandmother at times. I keep my eyes and ears open as there is always something new to learn on this caregiving journey and every time it seems I’ve got things figured out, something else seems to happen.

Last year after my husband fell and got a compound fracture, as well as his heart function had decreased (not related to the fall, just happened), we had to learn to be willing to accept outside help. […]

Caregiver stories: James Patterson and his wife
I became a caregiver on January 1, 2005 after my wife was hospitalized with complications from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). When she first got COPD, the first few months weren’t too bad, but then her condition deteriorated. She had to be placed on oxygen, but had a 50-foot tube connecting her to the oxygen concentrator that allowed her some mobility.

At first, she only needed help with more significant daily activities, but then over the years it became difficult for her to eat. Eventually, she needed more and more basic assistance and required a wheelchair. My wife and I have always been there for each other through 50 odd years of marriage, and this meant taking care of each other too. But, once she became ill, the balance just seemed to shift from being 50-50 to 60-40 to 70-30, and so on. Now I take care of all that I need to do plus what she needs done. It’s a very long process, becoming a caregiver, and you never realize you’ve begun until you have a chance to reflect. I have now been a caregiver for five years.

Being a caregiver is a big responsibility and it can be isolating. My wife and I used to be active in our community and enjoyed volunteering and social events. Now there’s too much to do and she can’t get out, so we stay at home-that’s a big change.

I think men, in particular, tend to think they can handle everything themselves and are not as comfortable asking for help. That’s a mistake – it’s important to get help when you need it and have support structures in place. Every day, I help my wife get in her wheelchair, dress and bath her, prepare meals and help her […]

In celebration of National Care Givers Month, we’ll be sharing some caregiver stories that express the wide range of thoughts and emotions, some happy and some sad, that can come with being a caretaker. Sometimes being a caretaker can be an extremely challenging and thankless job, but other times, it can also be extremely rewarding and teach us life lessons that we would never have otherwise learned. But mostly, these people are sharing their stories, caregivers and care receivers alike, so that others like them can know that they’re not alone.

Today’s story comes from Caregiver.org and is told by Michaele O’Leary-Reiff

“Hello, I must be going…”

“Hello, I must be going …” read the note addressed to me and taped to the door of Allan Reiff’s office in the Philosophy/Humanities Department at our local community college. The year was 1983, and little did I know then, the dark truth hidden in those seemingly light-hearted words; the man I would eventually marry would be taken from me all too soon by the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease.

We had met the year before. I had  returned to school to get my license as a registered nurse. I needed some electives so enrolled in Allan’s philosophy class, which had been highly recommended. On the first day I was riveted to his words, when he said the world would be a more peaceful and equitable place if governments were run by Romanian gypsies and ballet dancers rather than politicians and dictators. Soon we were talking after class, meeting for coffee, and having long conversations about movies, books, politics, our children, and the meaning of life.

Ours was a mid-life relationship, both of us having been previously married. Between us we had six children, his two and my four. It was an exciting time for us. In 1988, we decided to […]

GIVEN the tens of millions of people in retirement or about to enter it, it’s surprising how few plan for something most of them will eventually need: help doing basic tasks at home. But perhaps it is not so surprising: It’s like learning a difficult new language late in life.
Only about 1 percent of those aged 65 to 74 live in nursing homes, the Census Bureau reports. Most retirees continue to live at home as they age, even though many do not have relatives nearby to assist them as it becomes harder to handle daily activities because of declining health, mobility or cognitive difficulties.
Of those who need the help most, many won’t admit they need it or obtain assistance willingly on their own. They fear loss of independence and becoming a burden to their families. This is an issue I’m facing in my own family and it’s difficult to navigate.

For most older people, it is far preferable to stay at home rather than enter a nursing home. But it isn’t easy to make it work. Just ask Coleen Wagner, who lives in Saratoga, Calif., and has helped several relatives find home care. That includes, most recently, her mother-in-law, who was 85 and had dementia at the time. She has since died.
Home care, often referred to as caregiving or nonmedical in-home services, provides help with the activities of daily living. Professionals who perform these services may not need licensing or certification, although many are certified nursing assistants. Requirements vary from state to state.
“Home care is about quality of life and ensures that chronic conditions are being addressed and gives family caregivers peace of mind that their loved ones are safe at home,” said Phil Bongiorno, executive director of the Home Care Association of America, a trade group. “A lot of […]